Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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