stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
