I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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