You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
