I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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