i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
