i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hippo gnu deer
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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