I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
