I molested 6 butterflies tonight
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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