Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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