So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
