dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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