I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
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