so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
