I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
