Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
