the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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