Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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