If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
