he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
