somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
