I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
