Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
