if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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