Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
