I smell stomach acid.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We had to coat check the pizza.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
