I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
