We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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