Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Your penis caused this!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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