True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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