I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
