Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
