I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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