I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
