I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
