just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
