before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
