I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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