Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
