This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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