Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
