you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just sucked dick on a ferry
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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