I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
