Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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