Betty ford says i'm here all night
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
