I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
