I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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