Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
