Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
