my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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